i hate love i've decided . i hate feeling it . i hate falling into it . its not neccesarily the whole thing . i mean when feelings are mutual with the other person and you know that you love eachother and your ina well off relationship that you dont have a doubt about , its amazing . but its that the people i personally fall for i either can't have (gay, taken, liked by a friend, lives to far awaY) or i'm not wanted by them . then when a person comes along that does love me i dont love them back . and now i'm back to loving someone that i know i apsolutely can't have . and it sucks . i hardly even know this person but i can't stop thinking and replaying things and . ah . i dont know . i'll figure it out .

so high school is over in two weeks . i have no idea what to do next year .
the plan that i WANT
- to move in with my friend in sydney, pay to stay with my firend and for my food and wash all my own clothes etc.
- when i move in up with her go to TAFE , so that i can complete year twelve seeing as applicaiton for any college and probably a NSW college in my case of actually living in canberra would be impossible to get into a normal college.

the PROBLEMS
- my parents . i will never get past them with the plan above unless i completely clean up my act, get a LOT of money somehow, convince them that stacies mum is actually alright with me staying with her and all of the conditions such as me paying to stay and stuff WILL happen . even after taht they wont let me because they'll tell me they'll miss me and that they need me home and all that, which is b.s. either way it will be a war to do this . i wil have to expain how sydney is where i want to be , tis where i want to learn and i am so much more open to oppurtunities there and to do what i want with my life, that i dont neccesarily want to travel i like australia in just want to be doing what i want in life wioth the people i want in my life and thats all.
- money.well i'm currently in debt to my parents, they are acutally trying to take my phone away from me currently because of my ridiculous phone bill of $300 that they had to pay and i'm trying to pay them back for. but i'm searching for another job and when i'm not up in sydney in the holidays i'll be working my ass off at whatever jobs i have to save up .
0 my age. i'm only fifteen . there aren't a lot of places that will pay well for a fifteen year old , and people that go to tafe are generally goign to be a lot older than me . but i can try. all i want s to do something enough for a year twelve certificate standard.


last night i started cleaning out my room . which i'm still doing , i'm jsut packing a heap of bags full of old clothes and rubbish and things i dont need anymore . hopefully this give my parents a sign that i'm cleaning up my life and soon i'll be completely cleaning out . because i can't stand canebrra anymore, its boring, and pointless , and i'm losing frieinds here anyway so i may aswell go somewhere that i know i'm loved by at least a couple of people .


if i CAN"T succeed in the plans
- i'll end up doing a bunch of really easy accredited courses to get enough poitns for a year twelve certificate.
- find another job and work extremely hard to get a lot more money and move there at the end of year twelve in 2011. (erk. so long)
- go to sydney all the tiem anyway as if i live there . until i can acutally move there.


anyway enough about that for now .

back to guys .
i dont understand why i get led on so easily , why i fall for people so easily, it really sucks because i KNOW that this person doens't have feelings behind it . and if they do i dont think they are ever going to express them seeing as they are already mixed up with their love life as it is and hardly know me and i live a fair few hours away so it just wouldn't work out . ah . i hate it . btu i'll get over it at some point probably hopefully soonish . well i dont knwo if i want ti to be over or not acutally .
besides that . i jsut want someone who is going to be less confusing . tell me their feelings straight up and for me to have those same feelings back . there is always time i guess.

unless the world actually ends in 2012 . then fuck school i'm ogin g to live life! haha . nah hopefully it wont happen . we'll jsut have to see i gues, no real way of telling .

thankyou for the 8,000 page views btw ;D . i saw it jsut then and it was waht i was goign to first say in this journal but obviously first had to burst with what else was going on haha . i feel sorry for you if you've read all of that .
thanks once again for the love and support <3